from my heart...
May 5, 2017
We were blessed with a new addition to our family on Christmas this year. Daisy Mae... a sweet golden retriever puppy. We loved her so much and she loved us.
Two days ago I neglected to protect her and she was hit by a car and killed.
The last 48 hours have been brutal with thoughts and emotions of shame, blame, regret, dishonor, disrespect... for myself. I failed to honor her with the protection that she needed.
I went for a walk yesterday afternoon and had a thought to watch the movie The Secret Life of Bees while I made dinner. When the main character, Lillie, is four years old, she accidentally kills her mother. It is a story of her journey back to knowing that she is loveable, no matter what she has done. It is a story of kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
And so I guess I too am on my journey, I'll have to get through regret, despair, shame and guilt and more. Ultimately I'll find myself at the always difficult bridge of acceptance. Then onward to forgiveness and ultimately self-honor, self-respect and self-love. But for now, I'll just be sad. Profoundly sad.
April 20th, 2017
Last night was 'bad.' I felt like such a failure. Doubt, insecurity, victimhood, physical pain and most of all a sense of being an utter failure were crushing me. I had reached new heights of loving perceptions in the days prior and then I completely crashed. It wasn't until this morning that I saw things differently.
All this upheaval is not failure, but the messy uncomfortable/painful process of clearing up and changing old patterns of thought, behavior, energies, and all that makes up my physical life to fully acclimate to the higher ground that I have leaned into. Where the mind leads... the body soon follows.
I've experienced this many times and have written about it and so you would think I would recognize it when it happens. But clarity is lost when the wrecking ball begins to tear down the old.
You should see my house, it reflects me, total upheaval, a process of eliminating all that no longer is a reflection of me. Earlier this week I completely moved all of my clothing into one big heaping pile and I am working at putting back only what suits me. Just another aspects of clearing out all that no longer resonates vibrationally with the new comfort zone that I am headed into.
With my blessings to all who are going through a similar experience,
I think I may need a sign for all who come to my house:
WARNING: This is a Live Beautifully De-Construction Zone
April 12, 2017
I've lain awake for hours on end the last two nights. Daisy has had a hard time sleeping as well. Last night I crawled into bed and there was a beautiful star on one side of the tall oak tree and the big full moon on the other. It was so beautiful. It was like laying out in the sun on a warm summer day. I snuggled in and felt so comforted by the light of the moon and the star. I just love crawling into bed when the sheets are freshly washed and ironed. It is such a decadent pleasure.
When Steve got up to let Daisy out the moon had crossed the sky and was over our house, now coming in through the window at the foot of our bed. So I guess I must have slept for awhile as it had made quite a bit of progress across the night sky. I wonder what blessings this moonlight brings. It seems to fill me with joyful anticipation of the seeds and new life that are bursting forth.